Invisible girl with her heart on her sleeve...

Wow. Hello intensity. College is crazy. I mean, I knew it WOULD be, but it's insane. I mean, I have SO many syllabi to keep track of, so many projects due that I can hardly remember what it was like to just sit for an hour and not think about work.

And yet, these 2 months have been the best of my life. I found friends here who love me like crazy, who have the same goals in life and understand my belief system--in fact, they share it. To sit down and read my Bible for half an hour with one of them is so amazing. A lot of people think that reading the Bible SO much here must be such a chore. It's the farthest from that. I mean, it's basically God's love letter to the world, telling us what he did for us and how much he cares. It's really special to share that with someone else who loves you. There's a bond formed there.

I've never had much of a social life, not because I was homeschooled but just because I sort of chose to avoid those things. I wasn't confident enough to get involved, or if I wanted to be, hey, I couldn't get there. Now, though, there are things to do and people to hang out with. Studying in a group is a lot more fun than I thought it would be, and works a lot better. I'm getting to experience things I've never gotten to before, and it's unbelievable. People WANT to hang out with me. People say hi to me when they pass me, they know my name, and they smile at me. They pray for me when I'm having a hard day. They were right there as soon as I found out my mom has a lump in her breast that doctor's can't identify.

My GPA is doing great, though dropping from a 4.0 in high school--which I never had to study for--to a 3.47 here that I'm working my butt off for is a little disappointing. Still, I knew it was going to happen, I still have honors, and if I work REALLY hard I might be able to make the Dean's List either by the end of the semester or in one of the next years.

Overall, my life is amazing right now. It's had its ups and downs, and it's not without stress. But still, it's awesome. I'm not invisible anymore. Some people don't know how good of a feeling that is.

Dying without your love

I'm not his girlfriend.

I'm still me.

He just likes me for me.

I'm not changing.

I just don't have time.

I miss you. But you don't talk to me either.

Over the edge and just breathless...

So I can't even figure out what to type! That's so unlike me. I ALWAYS have something to say, even if it's not the best or most intelligent thing. But right now, there's just so much going on! Let's talk about my month for just a sec here.

--Camp ends--

Cry, sob, say goodbye to friends, still missing them weeks later.

--Laptop repairs--

Takes me weeks to finally get it in the mail, and I'm a little panicked cuz I think I might have put it in the wrong Fedex box so for all I know it's still sitting at Staples never being picked up.

--JB album release--

My life is made. They album is amazing. My boys have grown up so much, in nothing but good ways. They're beautiful, although unlike Lovebug, I can't say they "don't even try"... they spend too much money on clothes and too much time on their hair to qualify them for that statement.

--Weight goals--

I was setting myself goals for weight loss (rewarded after 30 lbs with a bellybutton pierce) but the first one only serves to remind me how far (15 lbs) from it I am.

--Packing up my life for college--

Cleaning out 10 years of living in one house is insane. There's so much stuff I totally don't need but I'm too sentimental to throw away, or other stuff that I KNOW is important, I just don't need it right that second.

--JB concert--

Best. Night. Ever. Mom, Kyle, and Dakota went with. Despite looking really fat in the one pic my mom took of us, it was an amazing night, and my boys are angels as usual. Kevin destroys my heart. Just... speechless.

--Camp Rock DVD release--

I'm not buying it yet. I have no money and I'll have even less once I start school. Instead, I'm going to wait for my birthday, in just over a month, and add it to my wish list. This will take ridiculous willpower.

--Gramma's house--

Hmmm. We're only on day 1, so I can't say for sure how it's going! Fun so far. Too cold to go into the pool, though maybe I'll get tough and go in later on. We come home Saturday.

--Registering for classes--

I called ABC today (my school, not the alphabet) and registered for my classes. My noon speech class was changed to 8 AM. At least I still have 12:40 speech lab on Wednesday, but the others are SOOOO early!! Hello morningtime.

So I think that's it so far. Now, I'm looking ahead. Coming home from Gramma's, six days, and then college. A month and 6 days from today, my 18th birthday! I'll finally be an adult. I won't ACT like one, but I'll BE one.

And now I'm done taking up useful internet space with my rambling.

<3!!

PS--KERNT chat needs to happen. Like, sooner than soon. Yesterday. Mhm. I'm dying.

To my Jonas boys... but not from me...

I didn't write this, but I think it's a really good expression. Wish I could have come up with something this good. So anyway. Enjoy!!!

THREE SOLD OUT SHOWS AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.

This doesn’t happen to just anyone. Prince could sell out three nights at MSG.

Madonna could sell out maybe three nights at MSG.

Rolling Stones could sell out three shows. Eagles, maybe U2…

But three little Jersey boys… this doesn’t happen to just anyone.

My lungs are heavy, my stomach’s in knots,

My knees are weak and my throat’s closed up,

And I’m not even there.

This is happening, and I am amazed.

You’re welcome, boys.

Just remember to always keep saying thank you.

Things like this can do crazy things to people,

And we sure as heck don’t want that to happen to you.

Say thank you for an extra time, smile real big for one more second,

And stand in the middle of the stage, arms in the air,

Soaking it in, for one extra minute.

It’s not every day over 20,000 people travel from the likes of

Oregon, and even SPAIN, to stand in the crowd and watch you perform.

As your loyal and loving fan base,

WE ARE SO PROUD.

So do it because you love it.

And do it because you want it.

And do it because you finally can.

You are headlining THREE SOLD OUT SHOWS

AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.

So take that extra minute and don’t let this moment pass.

It’s not every day three little boys from Wyckoff, Jersey

Grow up to headline the garden THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW.

We love you, boys.

And we are so proud.

All that’s left now is congratulations.

You, out of anyone, deserve it.

And you, out of anyone, have earned it.

Thank you for showing millions of teenagers

That the bad times only make you stronger

That it’s okay to keep standards

That you can succeed and be a good person

What faith really is and to always stand behind it,

That you should never let anything slow you down.

How it feels when a simple smile can brighten your day

What love really is, and once you find it, never to give up on it.

And thank you for showing us all what it means to live like you’re at the bottom even though you guys are at the top.

Thank you. <3

So hold your hands high, and never take for granted the little girls that chase your car down the street just because you might just be in it,

The little girls that pull on your arm because they know if they let go, they won’t ever get that chance again,

The little girls that sleep on cement for days because they want to prove to you that they think you’re worth it,

The little girls that break down in tears when they lay eyes on you, because one moment is everything to them,

The little girls that bought your first album and encouraged all their friends to get it because they knew you should be heard,

The little girls that throw education to the wind and skip school because it’s rumored you might be in town that day,

Or the little girls that care so much about you as human beings and want the best for you, because even though they deep down know they won’t really be Mrs. Jonas,

They love you anyway.

This doesn’t happen to just anyone,

And we are overjoyed that it happened to you.

Never forget, your fans will love each of you,

Forever and always.

<3

Wow, There are all my answers.

So I took a personality test. Not just any personality test, but a personality DISORDER test. My results PINNED me so much. So funny.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Funny when you find yourself, looking from the outside...

Yes, I did just use a cheesy HSM line, but bear with me. It's what came to mind. And no, I'm not really feeling everything in that particular song. The line itself applied. I'm used to being on the inside of everything. No, not like I'm "in on it", or that I'm a mischief maker that's always at the center of everything. I just talk to people, friends come to me for advice, or I'm involved in something going on.

But being here at camp this summer, I'm a bit separated from everything. I talk to people every now and then, but not enough to really know what's going on. If something happened that's cool, I know of it but I don't really hear about it. If something's wrong (which it has been, in quite a few cases) I hear that something happened but I don't really know what's going on. I'm used to being the problem-solver, the one right there to stamp down the flames of conflict before they catch, to soothe ruffled feathers, or just be a shoulder to cry on. But I haven't gotten to do that this summer.

Instead, I'm catching bits and pieces of normal life as it races by. I read a blog post here and there, I receive some texts, I get an awesome letter, package, or the occasional email. Some things, I'm able to be happy about. YESSSS, a friend had the experience of a lifetime! But maybe it's not so cool. Maybe I find out that some of the most important people in my life are at odds and there's nothing I can do about it.

It's depressing sometimes. Well, a lot of times. Watching that happen and being on the outside, not having the ability to change it or even really comfort the people involved--it's not fun. Thankfully, the work here at camp inhibits my ability to think about doing anything but what's right here in front of me. Campers and their problems, activities and teaching, all block out anything outside the 180 acres of woods and the log buildings that make up the camp. I didn't let myself get distracted... but when off time came, it was all I thought about.

I don't think even my friends knew how difficult their struggles were on me, especially not being here. I tried to be calm and strong for them--it wasn't about me, it was about them. They were the ones who were going through things and I needed to be there for them. Besides, since when do I show negative emotion, seriously? But inside it was tearing me up, trying to think of how things were going to be when I got home. How awkward, how crazy, how tense, how different.

Then, I decided to brace myself and read through the blogs, to catch the idea of the carnage, knowing I had to find out just what to expect when the real world comes bursting in Saturday night. And I had one of the greatest, most beautiful, most perfect surprises of my life. It was over. It was over and I couldn't be happier.

Now, sometime blog posts are confusing. Like... no one wants to use names, of course, or address specific situations. It's not about the situation so much as your emotions, I guess. So there's a .000000000001% chance that the post wasn't about the situation I think it was, and I don't have the ability at the moment to check (hello lack of cell service and AIM). But I think it was... and I think my life may just be complete again. I can't even express how at peace my mind is, how much stress has been lifted, how many things I don't have to worry about now.

Coming home will be much simpler now.

I love you, my lavas. I'll be home in 3 days.

Summertime...

Camp is awesome.

Too much to say.

I'm busy, I'm exhausted, I love it like crazy.

I miss all of you like you wouldn't believe. =D

I'm totally jealous of Erica. E, email me with ALLLLL the details, please please please???

Annnnnd I still need the JB people. If one of my lavas sees it, would you buy it for me, and I'll pay you for it? PLEEEAAASSSEEEE????

TTYL.

<33

--Kat