Funny when you find yourself, looking from the outside...

Yes, I did just use a cheesy HSM line, but bear with me. It's what came to mind. And no, I'm not really feeling everything in that particular song. The line itself applied. I'm used to being on the inside of everything. No, not like I'm "in on it", or that I'm a mischief maker that's always at the center of everything. I just talk to people, friends come to me for advice, or I'm involved in something going on.

But being here at camp this summer, I'm a bit separated from everything. I talk to people every now and then, but not enough to really know what's going on. If something happened that's cool, I know of it but I don't really hear about it. If something's wrong (which it has been, in quite a few cases) I hear that something happened but I don't really know what's going on. I'm used to being the problem-solver, the one right there to stamp down the flames of conflict before they catch, to soothe ruffled feathers, or just be a shoulder to cry on. But I haven't gotten to do that this summer.

Instead, I'm catching bits and pieces of normal life as it races by. I read a blog post here and there, I receive some texts, I get an awesome letter, package, or the occasional email. Some things, I'm able to be happy about. YESSSS, a friend had the experience of a lifetime! But maybe it's not so cool. Maybe I find out that some of the most important people in my life are at odds and there's nothing I can do about it.

It's depressing sometimes. Well, a lot of times. Watching that happen and being on the outside, not having the ability to change it or even really comfort the people involved--it's not fun. Thankfully, the work here at camp inhibits my ability to think about doing anything but what's right here in front of me. Campers and their problems, activities and teaching, all block out anything outside the 180 acres of woods and the log buildings that make up the camp. I didn't let myself get distracted... but when off time came, it was all I thought about.

I don't think even my friends knew how difficult their struggles were on me, especially not being here. I tried to be calm and strong for them--it wasn't about me, it was about them. They were the ones who were going through things and I needed to be there for them. Besides, since when do I show negative emotion, seriously? But inside it was tearing me up, trying to think of how things were going to be when I got home. How awkward, how crazy, how tense, how different.

Then, I decided to brace myself and read through the blogs, to catch the idea of the carnage, knowing I had to find out just what to expect when the real world comes bursting in Saturday night. And I had one of the greatest, most beautiful, most perfect surprises of my life. It was over. It was over and I couldn't be happier.

Now, sometime blog posts are confusing. Like... no one wants to use names, of course, or address specific situations. It's not about the situation so much as your emotions, I guess. So there's a .000000000001% chance that the post wasn't about the situation I think it was, and I don't have the ability at the moment to check (hello lack of cell service and AIM). But I think it was... and I think my life may just be complete again. I can't even express how at peace my mind is, how much stress has been lifted, how many things I don't have to worry about now.

Coming home will be much simpler now.

I love you, my lavas. I'll be home in 3 days.