Runaway Cinderella

Running from a perfect world, trying to find her wild side...

20080520

Schizophrenia of the teenage mind

So I kinda wish I knew what I was doing with myself. I mean, I enjoy not knowing most of the time, because it's quite an adventure. But there are some days it's like, you know what, I really wish I just KNEW today. Cuz it's all good when it's just simple stuff, fun stuff, and you can play with it and guess at it and it's okay. It's quite another when you're thinking, okay, this could affect my whole life and I just don't know what to do about it because I just don't know myself well enough.

I've got so many different people in me that I feel like a schizophrenic. Let's name a few. There's Trina, who's the little Martin girl everybody in her family knows, not perfect but not awful, kinda moderate in everything and not too prone to be different. Totally laid-back--totally insecure. And then there's Katrina, who's the elegant, spiritual, ladylike girl blossoming into a sweet and gentle lady. Seemingly perfect--but so bored and boring. And then there's Kat, who's wild, confident, outgoing, fun, and likeable. Excited with life--but in a very fragile, infantile stage right now. And I--whoever I am--am very confused at the moment. It's okay when I'm like, hmm, what's for breakfast, and Trina is okay with whatever's easiest, Katrina will stick with her morning standard, and Kat wants to experiment with something new and different.

But this is different. This is me trying to figure out if I'm falling in love again and, if I am, which of me is falling in love with which of them. I use falling in love loosely, more like falling in like, but it works. See, I thought I had made up my mind. But then, BAM, something unexpected came, something perfect and unexpected, and hello confusion because I can't believe I'm letting my heart do this again. I flip flop more than a politician or a hooked bass (yes, I just compared politicians to dying fish). It was like, LOVE, now friends, and suddenly LOVE again? I can't do that. I just can't. But I am. Every new word I say, it just gets worse.

And WHY do I keep going over and OVER this perfect, unexpected something? Get over it Kat/Trina/Katrina. You did your responding job. Stop hounding the ball when it's in his court. And stop panicking. There has rarely been a point when I finally get to the choice and I don't discover which to take somehow. So, IF the choice ever comes, which I'm thinking it may not but kinda hoping it does, I should do well enough. But right now? So confused and SO schizophrenic.

But despite what it sounds like, not depressed. At all. Kinda feeling good, actually. It's just that three of me are feeling good.

1 Comments:

  • At May 20, 2008 at 8:15 PM , Blogger Rachel said...

    You'll always be my Kitty :) And you know, I don't know why you kept calling your love a "he" because we all know I'm a girl. kidding. Not about being a girl. Because I am. But about being your love. Well, I hope I'm your love but... you get it.

    Anyways, I love you. And I know that everything will work itself out some way or another. You're an amazing person and I'm not the only one who sees it. So don't worry Kitty, I'll always be here for you no matter what.

    i loveeee you.

    Ray

     

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